Discovering that a partner has been engaging in sexual behaviour you did not know about, or did not consent to, can be overwhelming and distressing. Finding out that a partner has been engaging compulsively, with pornography, sex workers, other partners, or apps, can come as a complete shock. Something you never imagined was possible.
The feelings that follow are familiar even if the situation is not: hurt, betrayal, shame, loneliness, anxiety. The sense of not knowing the person you are in a relationship with, or of having been lied to, can make you question your own judgement and the decisions you have made about the relationship. It can affect self-esteem. It can fuel self-blame. And it can drive distress on both sides.
Most existing services for compulsive sexual behaviour focus on the person doing the behaviour. On reducing risk, changing patterns, helping the relationship survive. The partner is often left without support. Your distress, and your need for a space to make sense of what has happened, matters equally.
We offer a space for partners to explore the impact that compulsive sexual behaviour has had on you. To make sense of why it might have happened. To make decisions about what feels right for you going forward. Inside or beyond the current relationship.
The work is led by you. We allow space for the things that feel important, the emotions that feel overwhelming, the dilemmas you are facing, and the decisions you want to make. There is no right way to move beyond a partner’s compulsive sexual behaviour. There is no right way to manage finding out a partner has been behaving in ways you did not know, expect, or ask for.
This work is not about saving the relationship. It is about you making sense of what happened.
On your terms, in your time.
We work with you to help you reconnect to what is important. To your own values, to the reasons you are in the relationship, or the reasons you may want to move beyond it.
People see a future. Many later go on to do couples work, or their partners do their own work on the compulsive behaviour. But this work is not about that. It is about you, on your terms.
Asking for help. Knowing there is help, and showing up. With a willingness to think through the impact this has had on you, and to start working out what you need to take the next steps.